I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
