I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
