I faked an abortion last night.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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