My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
