I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
