What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
