I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
