Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
