Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
