hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
