This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
