I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
