ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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