I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
