the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
