What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
