It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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