the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
