he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
