one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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