lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Send help, water and tortillas.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
