i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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