I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
