It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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