my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
