I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
