you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
