my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
