ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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