I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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