good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
