3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't put those talents on a resume
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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