I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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