Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's shark week go big or go home
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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