I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
