sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
