We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
