I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize