My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
