I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
