i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dicks are not precious.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
