The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
