Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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