yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just gift wrapped bread.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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