Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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