god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
