And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
