why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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