just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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