I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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