booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize