is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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