do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
His hands were made for my vagina.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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