a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
