Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How does it feel to date your dad?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
