you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
