you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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