she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
