We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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