finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
